alii darling

he asks why I won’t respond, after his third message to me in the past week or so.

I can’t respond to him honestly or not… so I shall write it on here, and hopefully ease my intense discomfort.

‘
I set fire to the rain.

that song encompasses how I feel.

if you want a more specific answer, then here we go :
the fact that it physically hurts not to respond to you, gives me reason not to.
only over these past several months that we have not been in contact have I had peace for any length of time. silence between us has also clarified just how deeply I cared for you once, and in turn how badly I have been hurt by the things you have said, or done to me. I can also blame myself for continuing our relationship or lack there of, knowing full well what I was probably getting myself into, but I couldn’t help myself, and I suspect you knew this, I couldn’t help but thrive off attention from you. and was basically hopeless when it came to denying you anything you wanted. all the while, having to endure watching you have a serious girlfriend for the past year made it an even fresher hell. I have yet to understand why you want to continue contact with me, wether its for sexual reasons or if you actually do care on some small level. I think i truly trusted you, i let all my walls down that night in the hotel when we stayed up all night together. I was my truest self, and probably the most happy I have been.. ever.. with someone. then these past months I went without a happy birthday, thanksgiving, new year or merry Christmas… and sadly I still thought of you each time. wondering what you were doing with her for those holidays. so you see… I can’t talk to you, or the 90% of me that was over you will start to crumble to pieces again, and until I figure out what ten percent keeps me stuck, I’ll be over here, silently reading your messages, wishing they said what I really wanted to hear, and not responding. ‘.

— sum 41

nye… returning from cait and Josh’s. hit in the eye with a door as I do the car shuffle for the HOA nazis.. as I’m walking past my gram’s bedroom I hear colder weather by Zac brown band playing live on her tv…. I stopped and was overwhelmed with emotion. there’s just nothing like that feeling of being in love with or loving someone who is more in love with a drug and self destruction, than you. not personal, just is what it is… anyway. had to cry for the first time since my last encounter with beau. I miss having someone to be close with like him. to love more than myself. I hope he gets better one day and I hope I can be there to witness it.

— freakonomics

merry christmas to me

well, I got to use my nephew’s Facebook today for a few minutes, I looked at toquitos fb. I guess I just wanted to know how… If … I guess I wanted to see if I could figure out if he really loves her and if maybe he isn’t a bad guy, maybe he just really liked hooking up with me, and besides me he was a good boyfriend … Or maybe he didn’t care as much about her at first but now he does and that’s why he and I no longer speak. Or maybe he shut me out because I no longer give him what he wants, I actually try to have civil and appropriate conversation with him and he doesn’t want that from me. .. At least not anymore. Old texts on my back up phone were not easy to read, I think he might actually have cared at some point. Just doesn’t any more. .. Hurts to know he sits there very day and night sky ping and just talking and being silly with her every day when he doesn’t waste ten minutes talking to me unless I want to take my clothes off. Maybe it’s my fault, maybe I put myself in this position. I guess when all else fails I resort to sexual attention because that attention is better than none at all…. Which is sad to say, I haven’t learned that lesson yet, at my age, and through all the other situations that should have taught me better. I want to change this part of myself. I want to feel worthy of love and respect from a man without secretly feeling like they’d rather if I was naked and aren’t listening to a word I’m saying, or enjoying my company the way I do theirs. I’m going to start affirming that I am worthy. I’m lovable. I’m enjoyable to be around when I’m clothed. When i don’t have make up on. When I am not drinking alcohol. When I’m not talking about smart things or doing favors or spending money or buying gifts. Maybe it’s not him I miss. Maybe it was the way he made me feel like I was back in high school, when you met guys who liked you before all the makeup and money and sex. They saw you as you were. They connected to you on a real level. I miss the way he made me feel worth his time, and pretty. He made me feel smart and funny. I felt naturally myself and trusted him not to judge. I had no games, no front, or persona.. I could be silly. I could look at him and let him look at me without looking away or feeling uncomfortable. I miss the way I was completely free of inhibition. I was free from my mind. I was always present. I truly miss how I was so open and freely myself, not by trying, I had no choice. I felt okay just being there. I felt like i was enough. I like who I am when I’m around him. I’m sweet and loving, I’m patient and kind, I’m generous and understanding, I’m not hateful or bitter, im silly and light hearted. The rain stopped falling. I guess that’s it. He made me the best side of myself when we were together. And for that, I miss him every day. But one day I will be able to be that side of myself on my own. I wont need someone else to bring me to it. And maybe I’ll truly find someone who cares after I’m healed.

— desperate housewives

— glass jaw - secret song

bahahaa

— Arthur Golden (via artpixie)……. </3

<3

there’s someone out there for me

there’s someone out there for me

there’s someone out there for me

and he will be better than him…

if i say it enough, i hope it will come true.  </3

When the one you love is in love with someone else. Don’t you know its torture?
I mean its living hell…

artpixie:

(by claire alice young)

:)

since ive cried in the shower. lol i think its been years, since maybe I was 18 or 19?
just happens that way sometimes i guess? comes in waves… when a memory you had forgotten flashes in your head and kicks you in the gut. im very tired, and i think birth control doesnt help this crying shit out at all.