well, I got to use my nephew’s Facebook today for a few minutes, I looked at toquitos fb. I guess I just wanted to know how… If … I guess I wanted to see if I could figure out if he really loves her and if maybe he isn’t a bad guy, maybe he just really liked hooking up with me, and besides me he was a good boyfriend … Or maybe he didn’t care as much about her at first but now he does and that’s why he and I no longer speak. Or maybe he shut me out because I no longer give him what he wants, I actually try to have civil and appropriate conversation with him and he doesn’t want that from me. .. At least not anymore. Old texts on my back up phone were not easy to read, I think he might actually have cared at some point. Just doesn’t any more. .. Hurts to know he sits there very day and night sky ping and just talking and being silly with her every day when he doesn’t waste ten minutes talking to me unless I want to take my clothes off. Maybe it’s my fault, maybe I put myself in this position. I guess when all else fails I resort to sexual attention because that attention is better than none at all…. Which is sad to say, I haven’t learned that lesson yet, at my age, and through all the other situations that should have taught me better. I want to change this part of myself. I want to feel worthy of love and respect from a man without secretly feeling like they’d rather if I was naked and aren’t listening to a word I’m saying, or enjoying my company the way I do theirs. I’m going to start affirming that I am worthy. I’m lovable. I’m enjoyable to be around when I’m clothed. When i don’t have make up on. When I am not drinking alcohol. When I’m not talking about smart things or doing favors or spending money or buying gifts. Maybe it’s not him I miss. Maybe it was the way he made me feel like I was back in high school, when you met guys who liked you before all the makeup and money and sex. They saw you as you were. They connected to you on a real level. I miss the way he made me feel worth his time, and pretty. He made me feel smart and funny. I felt naturally myself and trusted him not to judge. I had no games, no front, or persona.. I could be silly. I could look at him and let him look at me without looking away or feeling uncomfortable. I miss the way I was completely free of inhibition. I was free from my mind. I was always present. I truly miss how I was so open and freely myself, not by trying, I had no choice. I felt okay just being there. I felt like i was enough. I like who I am when I’m around him. I’m sweet and loving, I’m patient and kind, I’m generous and understanding, I’m not hateful or bitter, im silly and light hearted. The rain stopped falling. I guess that’s it. He made me the best side of myself when we were together. And for that, I miss him every day. But one day I will be able to be that side of myself on my own. I wont need someone else to bring me to it. And maybe I’ll truly find someone who cares after I’m healed.
