I’ve changed a lot. probably because I have been through a lot this past year.
I see myself act in stark contrast to how I would have a few years ago… or even one year ago. being unconditionally positive is a work in progress, but at least I catch myself as often as I can, and continue to improve it.
I wanted a boyfriend. for the longest time I wanted someone who wanted to be with me.
now i have this man, with really nothing glaringly wrong with him, wanting to be with me, and I shut down. I can’t believe he honestly cares about me no matter what he says. I don’t totally want him to go away, but I don’t totally want to be with him either. I’m petrified of becoming physical with him. I’m petrified of getting hurt again, and I’m wondering if my feelings or lack thereof are being altered severely due to this fear?
do I even have feelings for him? am I not capable of having feelings for someone who wants something stable with me? or am I just still in love with eliot, and can’t get myself to like another person if it isn’t him?
Do I love eliot or do I glorify what we had? What we had may not have even been real…
Should I just go ahead and try it with him? Do we fight because I don’t have feelings blinding me, glossing over everything? is it because I don’t fear losing him, and almost do everything in my power to push him off? Why did I talk him out of it when he did try to end it then?
Why was it so easy to fall back into liking josh after only seeing him twice? Is it because he is shady and hurtful, and I only am attracted to such things?
A part of me feels like Conrad will hurt me deeply, because I won’t see it coming, again.
Because if I do enter it, I’ll do it thinking it’ll be easy, and better since he likes me more than I like him. So my fear is pacified… unless I start to like him. Then all of his past ways and his lightness of heart and shallowness and everything that bothers me now, I’ll look over until its too late and i’m broken again.
this is what hides in my head, and without school to distract me, it seeps through.
